Turning Pain Into Purpose

As I wake up in New York County Jail, I do my best to prepare myself for whatever the day might bring. I’ve been here for over three years, and during that time, I’ve witnessed some of the most violent events imaginable. Some mornings, I wake up to the sound of multiple inmates beating on one individual. No matter how many times I see or hear it, I can never get used to it.

Some inmates are able to hear the violence and go right back to sleep. At times, I try to stop it—depending on who’s involved. Other times, I avoid the conflict and just pray that the person being assaulted is okay. Things have gotten really bad lately because of a serious staff shortage. Sometimes we have to police ourselves, which can be extremely dangerous for everyone.

Just a month ago, I witnessed a boy with a mental illness—something like mine, schizophrenia. I don’t think he even knew he had it, but I could tell by his behavior. I wanted to talk to him about his mental health, but I never got the chance. One day, he ran out of his cell and stabbed another boy. While everyone else stood around, two inmates formed a barrier so no one could intervene. He must have stabbed the other boy at least five times.

By some miracle, the victim managed to knock the weapon out of his hand. I remember secretly thinking, “Now he’ll know how it feels to be stabbed.” But then, something incredible happened. The second boy looked at his attacker and said, “I could hurt you. I could even kill you. But I’m better than that.” Then he broke the weapon in half. That moment touched my heart. In the midst of chaos, he found peace and refused to let the situation control him.

There is so much anger and resentment in this place. I talk to the youth every week, and so many of them see no light at the end of the tunnel. They become destructive and chaotic because they feel their pain has no purpose. Their only outlet is to lash out.

Every week, I share my story with them—how my mental illness and substance use led me to jail, how I was once filled with rage, blaming the world and everyone in it. It took time, but eventually, I stopped pointing fingers. I decided I would be part of the solution, not the problem.

I’ve spent countless hours, days, and months building a nonprofit to help those behind me avoid the same mistakes. My story became so powerful that celebrities who visited the jail—like Styles P, Fat Joe, and even Chip from Viral Magazine—told me my story inspired them.

Now, I try to share my story with as many people as possible, to show that if I can make a change from here, then anyone can make a change from anywhere. I also let my younger brothers know that I still feel pain every day. There are moments and people I’ve lost while being here—people who truly saw me. But I’ve learned how to turn my pain into purpose.

#depressionstands #powerloveslife #Loveonlife