Triggers and  Trauma

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It is very difficult to change behaviors that stem from our emotional state if we don’t understand where they come from. Gaining understanding can trigger healing, and looking into our trauma is vital for improving who we are.

Let’s look at trauma. Trauma can be caused by past events—moments that have affected us physically, emotionally, or mentally. These events may have hurt us so deeply that we choose not to face them. Instead, we hide them away somewhere we think we will never have to revisit again. This is the truth for so many of us, and it explains why our lives often feel complicated and unmanageable.

Why do we become angry and defensive when someone points out something we could do to improve ourselves? Why do certain feelings cause us to withdraw from the world? The answers to these questions are often found in our traumas and triggers.

Some of us have experienced bullying or abuse during childhood, leaving us feeling helpless and weak. Years later, even though we are no longer being abused or bullied, the scars remain. On the surface, we may be doing well—we may even feel like we have control over our lives. But then someone in our workplace or personal life triggers a past trauma. Suddenly, we become angry and defensive, desperate to prove we are no longer that helpless child. We live our lives constantly trying to prove who we are, walking around with a chip on our shoulder.

On the other hand, some people react to trauma by withdrawing completely—feeling helpless, hopeless, and weak both mentally and physically. They see themselves as victims and blame their abusers or tormentors for everything that goes wrong in their lives. In both cases, trauma dictates how we live.

So, what should we do when we feel this way? We need to ask ourselves why. Why are we reacting like this—especially if those reactions are destructive to our well-being?

For me, I was lost for so long. I couldn’t figure out why I could never trust anyone, yet at the same time, I had major trust issues. I blamed everyone for the hardships in my life and pointed fingers at everyone except myself. Eventually, when people could no longer deal with my destructive behavior, I was left alone. At that point, I could no longer blame anyone but myself. That was my turning point.

I realized that the things my mother did to me affected all my intimate relationships and friendships. I also had to accept that being put up for adoption by my biological mother was another trauma I had been carrying. I started by facing the pain of my biological mother not raising me. Yes, I was sad—but I also began to see the good: she gave me life. Without her, I wouldn’t even have the chance to choose what kind of life I wanted to live. She did her part, and now it was time for me to take ownership of my own life.

Then I turned to the trauma caused by my adoptive mother. I realized that by continuing to see myself as a victim, I was allowing her to keep winning—even after 15 years without contact. That was me giving away my power. I decided to take control of my mental state instead. I now understand that she was deeply unwell, and I hope she gets the help she needs. I no longer hate her; I actually feel more sorry for her than anything.

As for my biological mother, I no longer carry anger toward her either. I can only imagine what she might have gone through when she had me. I was so focused on my own pain that I never considered what trauma she may have endured. Today, I have nothing but love for her.

Since I have faced my traumas, many of my triggers have disappeared. My life feels so much better, and my relationships have improved as well. I no longer blame others for my struggles—I take responsibility for myself.

Sometimes, a trip down memory lane is the only way to answer present questions. Many of us are living with past hurt and pain. We hide these moments away, bottling them up instead of confronting them. But as we get older, they seep out in our behaviors and in how we see the world. Too often, we don’t see the world as it is—we see it as we are. If we are broken, then everything looks broken.

Some of us turn to drugs to escape our past traumas. But the addiction is not really to the drug itself—it is to the relief it provides from our pain. We cling to whatever numbs us, even if it destroys our bodies and minds, because facing the trauma feels harder. But the truth is, we would do less harm to ourselves if we faced our trauma directly.

Understanding our trauma holds the key to change. It gives us the power to stop destructive behaviors, reclaim control, and truly heal. I now know that I can improve myself only when I stop blaming others and take responsibility for my life.

I encourage everyone to reflect on past events or traumas that may have shaped how they think or act in negative ways. Some of the answers to our greatest struggles live within us.

If you would like to speak with someone who understands, please feel free to reach out to me.

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