Four years ago today, I woke up feeling like life had nothing to offer me — and like I had nothing to offer life. Even the voice in my head felt silent, like it wanted nothing to do with me. Everything was quiet. I can’t remember the last time things were ever that quiet. It was the calm before the storm. That day was the day I decided I would kill myself.
I felt like I had nothing to look forward to and nothing to live for. For years I used drugs to numb my pain and distract me from who I was — and even more from who I was becoming. Eventually, I found myself homeless, hopeless, with no one to turn to. Most of my friends from college had become successful, happily married, raising families, building their lives. Meanwhile, I was struggling just to survive.
I remember looking at myself in the mirror of a run-down motel, staring at twenty prescription pills scattered across the counter — pills I planned to take to end my suffering. I sat there and cried. Then a voice inside me said, “If you die now, this is how they will always remember you. If you die now, your book ends with this chapter. But if you live, you can change how the book ends. You only get this one chance at life — at least this one — so why not give it the best story you can create? Don’t worry about the critics. Focus on becoming the best version of yourself. Your story is what you make it, so make it your own.”
That was four years ago today.
Today, I woke up wanting more — more of life, more of love, more of the person I know I can become. I feel like I’ve been running in place for a while, but now I’m ready to move forward. My mind is constantly full of thoughts and ideas, but sometimes I feel like I’m not moving in the direction I should be. I feel like I’m holding myself back.
My mind jumps to my relationship. Does she really know that I would do anything and everything to make her happy? Does she know how crazy I am about her, how deeply I love her? I hope she knows — and if she doesn’t, I hope she finds out soon.
Then my mind goes to the world. How can I truly help people? The question is no longer “Can I make a difference?” but “How can I use all my resources and skills to help those in need?” When I focus on helping others, my own struggles become easier to manage.
My mind is always busy — filled with many different thoughts and voices at once, all trying to speak over each other. This used to drive me crazy, but now it’s how I come up with some of my greatest ideas. It’s only a matter of time before something comes along that I can turn into a meaningful project. It’s an amazing experience.
It took time for me to understand and manage my schizophrenia before I could reach this point. For some people, it takes working with a trained specialist. For others, meditation or medication helps. For some, it’s focusing on something greater than themselves. Whatever it is, always consult someone who is licensed in mental health.
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death among people who struggle with their mental health. If you see signs that someone may no longer want to live, please get them help immediately. If you save one person, you can save the world — because it only takes one person to change a life.
If you ever need to talk to someone like me, please reach out to me at LavonnDavis@Loveonlife.org and follow my Instagram @love_on_life_foundation.
#PowerLoveLife #DepressionStands
Mental health and substance abuse prevention 